Insecurity

Why did I say that?  That was so stupid.

One hour later…

She must think I’m an idiot.  She looked at me like I should do society a favor and voluntarily wrap myself up in a straitjacket.  Pretty sure she wanted to throw meds at me and run away.

The next morning, as my eyes open…

I hope she forgot about that.  No, she probably told all her friends.  Uh, I’m never going to talk again.  What I have to say isn’t important anyway.  They should require a permit for operating a mouth like mine.

And so this exchange continues until I can replace the anxiety of that moment with some upcoming event/conversation/made-up, semi-possible situation I’m not looking forward to.  Pretty crappy coping mechanism, I know.

Fortunately, I find myself more and more able to break through that insecurity and remember two things:

Yes, I am prone to flawed speech and verbal slip ups, but my mind is really my worst enemy.  God’s Word reminds us that our minds are pretty faulty but are not intended to remain in that state.  In Psalms, we are warned to “lean not on your own understanding” (3:5).  Romans 12:2 advises us to give up on the patterns of this world, “but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”  Paul tells the Ephesians about putting off the old self and putting on the new self.  In this, our minds must be made new (4:22-24).  In the book of Colossians, we are reminded to focus our minds on higher things, not on the things of this world (3:2).  With this, I know the thoughts of insecurity that sprout up in my mind, like the above, are not what God wants for me.

I am a work-in-progress.  As Christians, we display the glory of God when we look more and more like our Savior.  Second Corinthians 3:18 has at times been the last glimmer of hope that shakes me from self-heart and –mind mutilation:

“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.”

As believers, we may hit snags as we go through life, but transformation is constant and in ways we will never understand.  Unfortunately, insecurity does a wonderful job in denying this pursuit of Christlikeness and makes the upward journey so much harder.

So when insecurity is loud in my mind:

They will never understand me.

If only I didn’t look like this.

Why would God want to use me?

I can remember that I am more because of who God is and the great worth He put on me which is displayed by the sacrifice of His Son.

God, You ARE working in me.  Help me to transform my mind to be more like your Son’s.  Have Your Spirit take charge for “the mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. (Romans 8:6).  You have made me for more; this world will not set my standard.  Remind me of this when I desire to grovel at the doorstep of insecurity.